Reflections: Persevere

Today was your first full day of Kindergarten! Without the expectation of 'normal'----whatever normal is, I set aside my ideal morning and allowed our day to unfold. I carried my cameras but there were no smiles but a multitude of questions....why is the school day so loooong!?! "Mommy, why aren't you crying!?!" I can't say that I'm sad about you going to kindergarten because I know ALL that school entails and you are READY! If you were walking into my classroom, there would be smiles and laughter....and silliness....and writing and reading.......as I know there will be much of the same in your kindergarten classroom. I was a teacher for twelve years prior to having you and I must say that my toughest student has been YOU these last six years---my very own daughter! You're as strong-willed and stubborn as I. You're eager to learn and love the challenges of NEW but maybe with a little reluctance to let go of the familiar. So you told me this morning again..."I want to go Mommy but I want you to be there too!" I know that we've never been separated----and that we've muddled through hard days and easy days----long days and short days......days full of love and lonely days but we've always had each other------and we STILL do! I tried to explain to you that we've been stuck together like super glue tonight (as we talked in bed at six o'clock tonight)! As I explained, you counter acted my statements with a valid argument..."....but we're not!" Thus, I explained that God chose me to be your mother and gave me everything I needed to get you this far....and now formal schooling is one of those wedges that pulls apart a little bit of the super glue that binds us! You listened and pressed your little body into mine. You mentioned that everything is 'different' at your new school. I argued that Greece was different this summer but you enjoyed it! You came back with "...but I was with you silly and I missed Daddy but we came back!" You always have an answer when a question isn't forming on your tongue!

As I sat in carpool this afternoon the rain fell against the windshield, I saw the reflection of your name and reached for my iphone camera. Searching in my heart of hearts for the unexpected joy of the day, the pieces started falling together......remember I didn't have any grand expectations but I knew that God had every little drop of joy placed exactly where I needed to find it today. I thanked him for Daddy's help this morning as we loaded you up for your first day. I pocketed the memories of the glittery sparkles of golden glitter that was supposed to steal the first day jitters----and the smiles of magical memories as we poured it on your head and Daddy's. I saw the special bond of love God's given us when you wanted me to cry when you were crying....and the little nod of your head when I told you that I wanted you to be happy about the new adventures of kindergarten. And maybe I missed a few little morsels of joy as I waited for an easier beginning (but I wasn't supposed to have an expectation, right!?!)........yet, I still remembered the skipping beat you had going down the hall when we had come for half a day....and I counted that as joy too because I know that I'll see it again soon.....I counted the hours at home and the movement of the clock hands as joy...and the teacher's lips that read your name off of my car pool flier today as joy---Sophia Jackson....and your smile as I eased up in the car pool line and you exited the school building....and the moment you landed in the backseat of the pickup truck!

I never envisioned myself driving a truck or having a kindergarten student nor of being the mom in car pool line.......I still remember the Jeep and the Cadillac, the teacher status.......and the kids in my room...I'd go home alone and return to teach but with you, you're everywhere I am...even when we're not together. You are always on my mind and in my heart! Being mom of you....of my little, big Kindergartener is joyful even without the full smile! Although you didn't take one bite of lunch today at school (not the healthy options nor the junk food offers---and you barely touched your snack), I know you and I know that you took in everything around you! That's what you and I do......we savor the world around us! This afternoon we felt the cool rain against our skin and zoomed through Kroger wet & cold talking through the aisles. You saw Laynee and Jaxon----and stole a hug from Laynee (who waves to you at school)! We chatted about your day all the way home---and pulled out scrapbooks of when Mommy was a teacher....we talked about then and now.....and together stole journal time in the comfort of the king sized bed....making a list of things you remembered from school today! A list of joy: Madison (she wore a blue shirt and glasses, a magic screen at the library that you watched a movie on, Mrs. Jamie in the office, Mr. Cherry in the hallway, a bear you colored and the word Name with a line next to it to write your name on it, running after the truck in car pool........a pair of antonyms were jotted down in your journal next to the truck you drew of the two of us in it---SAD and HAPPY. Some days are like that....mixed up days when we don't know who or what we are........but just remember we're in this together! Although you didn't see my tears this morning, my heart was breaking that you weren't super excited about school....but I believe in you! I know you'll find the magical moments in your school days and that each day will get better.........we'll count the joy together and let the reflections of each day give us strength to persevere.

I love you little, BIG kindergartener!