On the first week of November, we watched Daddy's hand swell beyond recognition....worry began to set in as we wondered if we'd have enough time to get him the right medical help.....surgery...more worries...will he be able to work enough to provide for us....will we have enough resources to live on....we already had enough medical bills...would we have enough money to make ends meet when the new medical bills arrived......life continued....am I spending enough time on life matters as I am online...do I have enough faith....enough joy...enough grace.....we have more than enough stockpiled to carry us through....did I take enough time talking to Mrs. Harriette at the birthday party....did I talk to Mrs. Lisa long enough when she called last week....after Daddy's hand surgery......Mrs. Harriette's heart attack...her passing.....Thanksgiving travels with it's own joy and worries.....Mrs. Lisa's passing.....and each day's worries compounding, the thoughts of enough consumed me...the joys I've counted on lost their shimmer, their effervescent lifeline in my life......in my soul. So I had enough, I've had enough....I'm not willing to miss today's joys! Thus, I'm stopping to ponder tonight what's enough!?!
Monday, I felt all these emotions...doubts...worries snowballing from the first week of November into mid-December...tearing my heart to shreds, ripping the very core of who I understood myself to be...I grappled for words and searched my devotional...the one, I haven't spent enough time with as I've replaced reading/writing time with worry....I read, "The hurry makes us hurt." God revealed to me through Ann Voskamp's simple statement that I've had enough....enough of the hurrying! Her interpretation comforted me that afternoon...."....maybe it is the hurt that drives us on? ...I don't want more time; I just want enough time, time to do my one life well....attentive...aware...ac
Am I fully engaging today? Am I fully aware where my time, my thoughts, my heart...where am I dwelling!?! What's enough!?!
Maybe if I take enough time to organize our house, I can focus!?! If my husband would have enough time at the end of the day for all that we've thought of doing together!?! If I paid off three medical bills I'd feel better------at least enough!?! If we spend enough time writing....reading....enough time listening....Do I have enough knowledge to know what I need to carry on with the rest of the week...Christmas season, my favorite time of the year!! But not just going through the motions but really living.....uncovering the unexpected moments of joy....knowing that I've given enough, loved enough---attentively, aware, accepting.....in this time that I'm given...this moment...am I choosing to love...
The in fury of it all, we wrap up our days together and I crawl in next to you. As Daddy and I search for your off button, little one----prayers, books/stories, and random thoughts.....you share your favorite parts of your days sometimes, you reach for one more hug and kiss-----and little trails of our day spill out of your little lips...yesterday...on Tuesday, December 17th, you listed all the things we forgot to do...write about carrots in our journal...and......tonight, we opted for an early bedtime being that we didn't nap this afternoon.....tears because you wanted to wait up for Daddy to go 'work' with him.....and sneak time at the stuffed animal machine with him.....as we were getting in bed...Daddy walked into your bedroom. We noticed stuffed animals neatly stacked in a bin against your wall...and more stuffed animals stuffed in your wooden baby doll bed. Enough!?! Without us asking, you offered an answer...."I put all the stuffed animals in here and emptied the bin in the playroom so I can have enough room to fill it up with new stuffed animals."
You are such a creative thinker! A little problem solver! I reminded you that you still have enough stuffed animals and that you really don't play with them. I asked you if you did..."Not really!" was your answer. It's that time that you desire---enough time, quality time...over and over and over time with Daddy......enough love, giving, taking, playing, learning......just enough to fill your love tank to the brim every moment of every day! And I promise you little one that we'll strive to fill and refill enough of what you need/want so that all of your days are filled with love.
And tonight, I'm going to take a lesson from you....I'm going to empty my worry bin and make more room for new joys----enough room for unexpected moments of joy with you.
And if you're wondering what the last little thought from you was tonight...it was in the form of a question: "Mommy, was I good today?"
Yes! You were my little Rudolph daring me to live fully right where we are----We played "The Storybook Game" tonight---just the two of us. You kept drawing the banana card but you always requested for the card to go back in the stack of story cards. You didn't want the banana to be a part of your own story. Thus, I end the storybook with a story about a silly banana. He went bananas. You laughed. We laughed together. Did we live enough today? Accomplish enough? Maybe not intentionally enough as we will tomorrow. We can't worry about the cards that we are dealt. We'll embrace our legacy and we'll allow every card to be part of our story. Some cards will make us cry, others laugh...but we'll count them all as enough!
I love you little one!
Monday, I felt all these emotions...doubts...worries snowballing from the first week of November into mid-December...tearing my heart to shreds, ripping the very core of who I understood myself to be...I grappled for words and searched my devotional...the one, I haven't spent enough time with as I've replaced reading/writing time with worry....I read, "The hurry makes us hurt." God revealed to me through Ann Voskamp's simple statement that I've had enough....enough of the hurrying! Her interpretation comforted me that afternoon...."....maybe it is the hurt that drives us on? ...I don't want more time; I just want enough time, time to do my one life well....attentive...aware...ac
Am I fully engaging today? Am I fully aware where my time, my thoughts, my heart...where am I dwelling!?! What's enough!?!
Maybe if I take enough time to organize our house, I can focus!?! If my husband would have enough time at the end of the day for all that we've thought of doing together!?! If I paid off three medical bills I'd feel better------at least enough!?! If we spend enough time writing....reading....enough time listening....Do I have enough knowledge to know what I need to carry on with the rest of the week...Christmas season, my favorite time of the year!! But not just going through the motions but really living.....uncovering the unexpected moments of joy....knowing that I've given enough, loved enough---attentively, aware, accepting.....in this time that I'm given...this moment...am I choosing to love...
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| "Daddy, we're workers!" |
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| "OOOooooo...." |
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| Christmas Preschool Program 2013 |
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| Enough play!?! Never. |
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| Enough crafts created by you? All are treasured.... |
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| Little wonders....beads...treasures...paints.... |
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| Enough kitten scratches!?! YES. Enough! |
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| Enough candles---Not quite! |
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| Enough time to sing Happy Birthday before the 'matches' burned out: No! Redo with one! |
The in fury of it all, we wrap up our days together and I crawl in next to you. As Daddy and I search for your off button, little one----prayers, books/stories, and random thoughts.....you share your favorite parts of your days sometimes, you reach for one more hug and kiss-----and little trails of our day spill out of your little lips...yesterday...on Tuesday, December 17th, you listed all the things we forgot to do...write about carrots in our journal...and......tonight, we opted for an early bedtime being that we didn't nap this afternoon.....tears because you wanted to wait up for Daddy to go 'work' with him.....and sneak time at the stuffed animal machine with him.....as we were getting in bed...Daddy walked into your bedroom. We noticed stuffed animals neatly stacked in a bin against your wall...and more stuffed animals stuffed in your wooden baby doll bed. Enough!?! Without us asking, you offered an answer...."I put all the stuffed animals in here and emptied the bin in the playroom so I can have enough room to fill it up with new stuffed animals."
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| Enough time to write, create....always creating time to capture our creative words, images, and more...We made sure to write about carrots today. And tomorrow, we'll finish yet another journal....but not our last.... |
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| Make Room for More!?! |
And tonight, I'm going to take a lesson from you....I'm going to empty my worry bin and make more room for new joys----enough room for unexpected moments of joy with you.
And if you're wondering what the last little thought from you was tonight...it was in the form of a question: "Mommy, was I good today?"
Yes! You were my little Rudolph daring me to live fully right where we are----We played "The Storybook Game" tonight---just the two of us. You kept drawing the banana card but you always requested for the card to go back in the stack of story cards. You didn't want the banana to be a part of your own story. Thus, I end the storybook with a story about a silly banana. He went bananas. You laughed. We laughed together. Did we live enough today? Accomplish enough? Maybe not intentionally enough as we will tomorrow. We can't worry about the cards that we are dealt. We'll embrace our legacy and we'll allow every card to be part of our story. Some cards will make us cry, others laugh...but we'll count them all as enough!
I love you little one!
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